I’m hearing the same phrase nearly everywhere I go. In my world, that means I need to pay attention because there is an issue needing attention. The issue, fear of rejection disguised as self-confidence.
The phrase in question is one form or another of, “They’ll just have to accept me as I am.” On the surface it seems sincere enough, but there is a nasty underbelly that brings the phrase out. Hang with me for a moment and I’ll show you what I mean.
First, there really are segments of people who will accept us as we are. Immediate family or very close friends could be in that category. This acceptance comes from unconditional love and will always be the case regardless of the person you are. This acceptance is also a safe place that allows us to become more than we are and strive to be our best selves.
Unfortunately, not everyone has that safe place. Many of us have experienced rejection from those closest to us and there is nothing that feels good about it. Instead of having a foundation of acceptance to grow from, we begin to withdraw. The questions swirl in our minds about our worth and if we will ever be good enough.
Thoughts take root… “If I won’t ever be good enough, why bother getting better?”
We are remarkable machines and our primary program is self-preservation. We want to protect ourselves physically, emotionally, etc. To do so we create systems, many unconscious, to defend against attack. One of those systems is to strike first.
If I fear that my efforts could fall short and put me at risk of rejection, I’ll take the first shot instead. I build my identity around things that purposefully keep me distant from those that could reject me. Eventually my entire persona guarantees rejection, but I’m okay with that because I can claim it as my choice.
I chose to be this way and if you don’t like it, it’s your problem. “If you can’t accept me as who I am, I don’t need you.” I created the rejection so that you couldn’t.
The attitude runs throughout the rest of our lives. Family, jobs, friends, all become the bad guys in our minds because they don’t accept who we’ve become. The truth is that they have never been given the chance to accept us because we are always rejecting ourselves before they can.
If you recognize these traits in yourself or someone else, take a moment to consider these steps to recovery.
- Forgiveness: The most powerful tool in the universe and absolutely essential to breaking the rejection cycle. If you are the one fearing rejection, forgive any and all people you’ve ever felt rejected by and understand that people never reject you as a person. They either reject an idea or they are projecting their own insecurities on you. You don’t have to carry around their issues and shape your life accordingly.
- Vision: What kind of person do you want to be? Ditch the unhappiness that comes with pushing people away and open your arms to life. Just because you want more from life than you currently have and decide to strive for it does not make you a “sell out” or any other such nonsense. Decide what you want and go for it!
- Risk: Sorry to break it to you, but risk is part of life. You might fall short and completely on your face in attempting to do or be more. That’s part of it. Anyone who ridicules you for taking a chance and coming up short isn’t doing much with their own life. Failure is not permanent and you can always go for it again with a new set of experience.
- Repeat: Once you’ve had the freedom of forgiving and the thrill of spending yourself in a worthy cause, you’ll never go back. This is what life is made of! Put yourself out there and do something new today. Do it once per week! See how many doors open because you are willing to knock.
I know the freedom and thrill mentioned above firsthand and I only want you to know the same thing in your life. It’s so worth it! Please let me know how these thoughts affect you and what steps you need next. To your best life!
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PJ McClure helps aspiring entrepreneurs to multi-million dollar business owners destroy roadblocks and seize opportunities to achieve their ideal vision of success. He is an award-winning speaker and the best-selling author of Flip the SWITCH: How to Turn On and Turn Up Your Mindset and Unlock Your Life: How to go beyond Time-Management to the Life of Your Dreams. You can download a copy of Flip the SWITCH for Free by clicking here.
